Reasons and motives for divorce
Like any other socio-psychological phenomenon, divorce is usually associated with objective and subjective reasons. Some sociologists believe that the main conditions that determine divorce are the urbanization of lifestyle, migration of the population, the industrialization of the country, and the emancipation of women. All these factors reduce the level of social control, making people’s lives largely anonymous, which in some circumstances creates a lack of responsibility, stable attachment, and mutual care for each other. But these are just some of the conditions, just the background. In such conditions, strong families and temporary (trial), disintegrating marriage unions can simultaneously exist and be created. In addition to these conditions, each divorce has its own grounds, main and accompanying reasons and motives.
The psychological study of motives of divorces give the basis to speak about them is a fairly stable hierarchy. According to research data from S. V. Chuiko, in a large city, the motives for divorce can be arranged in the following order:
drunkenness and alcoholism of one of the spouses;
dissimilarity of characters and lack of understanding;
treason and suspicion of treason;
the appearance of another family;
loss of love;
interference in family relations of parents or other relatives;
illness of one of the spouses;
irresponsible attitude of spouses to family and family responsibilities;
forced separation of spouses;
lack of children or unwillingness of one of the spouses to have them.
Despite significant socio-economic changes in Russian society in recent years, little has changed in the reasons and motives for divorce. For example, modern men try to motivate their” flight from the family ship ” in most cases by fatigue from the monotony of modern life with the same woman. At the same time, it is often said that “marriage ties deprive them of their personal sovereignty and the right to creative expression, and disgruntled wives do not understand the depth and versatility of their delicate, vulnerable nature.”
As for women, they explain their reluctance to maintain marriage:
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her husband’s heavy drinking;
low material security and difficult living conditions of the family;
“dissimilarity of character.”
The difference is obvious: a woman will never leave her husband, even if he is unloved and bad, especially in “nowhere”, if he is not an alcoholic, homeless or sadistic.
American researcher of psychological problems of the family K. Whitaker sees the main reason for divorce in the fact that ” often the husband and wife performed the functions of father and mother, and did not become individuals. When the religious sense of the sanctity of marriage disappeared and the desire for individuation appeared, divorce became a way to escape from the chains of such slavery, where two people give up their faces, becoming nothing in order to become a part of the symbiotic Union called Marriage.”
He bases his vision of the problem of the pathology of modern marriage on the inability of young people to act independently, independently of others, especially from their parents, and hence — the inability to cope with their own problems. To this are added many socio-cultural aspects that do not so much bond as destroy the family. Thus, the reasons for divorce, according to K. Whitaker, are largely due to the following circumstances: the emergence of new values in the culture (sexual freedom and at the same time freedom of marriage).
The penetration of the battle between the parents of husband and wife into the next generation. The wife is rebelling against her mother, who was subordinate to her mother, and does not want to give up to anyone. Having learned to fight the hateful control system of their parents, the couple continues to fight the control and restrictions that are inevitable in any marriage. No Union is combined with complete freedom; everyone loses their individuation in it, as well as their loneliness.
Some marriages break up because one or both of the spouses are afraid that this will prevent them from climbing the ladder of success in society.
Sometimes the cause of divorce is friction between two families, where the husband and wife came from. Children’s impressions of the battle between dad and mom also make them reproduce similar scenes in their marriage. This is especially true when a person hated them and swore to himself that this would never happen in his life.
Some marriages were based initially on the delusional idea of both spouses that by joining, they would become adults and overcome the torments of uncertainty inherent in teenagers. The modern call for sexual adventures and their search also prevents couples from coming to terms with the responsibilities and demands that exist in their partnership.
Many marriages are concluded shortly before young people have successfully “divorced” their parents and established their right to be individuals. Trying to become a member of a new family, when a person has not yet ventured to separate from the old one, gives rise to a phobia. Then both spouses expect to be adopted by their partner parent. Later, this paradoxical situation can be overcome by making a series of movements to individuation and to return to the Union, but this process is painful and endless.
Naturally, this is only part of the reasons that push the couple to divorce. According to the research of domestic and foreign family experts, the main one is the psychological and practical unpreparedness of spouses for family life (42% of divorces). This lack of preparation is manifested in the rudeness of marriage partners, mutual insults and humiliations, inattentive attitude to each other, unwillingness to help in household chores and raising children, inability to give in to each other. Along with this, it is accompanied by a lack of common spiritual interests, greed and greediness of one of the spouses, lack of preparation for interaction, inability to smooth out and eliminate conflicts and the desire to strengthen these conflicts, as well as inability to manage the household.
All this becomes known when the family has already broken up. Before that, neither the couple nor others have a clear understanding of what is happening. Moreover, at the time of divorce, neither of the spouses has time to think seriously about the possible consequences of the collapse of the family Union for both them and their children.