Why am I not interested in having a baby
Sometimes, parents do not want to play with their children at all due to their workload, and the thought creeps in: “I Am not interested in my child.” Parents of teenagers also have similar doubts about their own worth, and then it is not about the game, but about more serious things – problems in communication and the loss of common interests.
The situation is unfavorable, how can parents cope with it?
In the Studio of the TV channel” Soyuz “in the author’s program” Learning to grow with love”, the psychologist Maria Parshenkova, a consultant at the parish of the Smolensk icon Of the mother of God (Leskolovo village), shared her view on this urgent problem. The author of the program, journalist Marina Lanskaya, talks to the psychologist.
– Maria, the topic of our conversation is a quote from a letter from one of the TV viewers: “I Am not interested in my child.” This idea runs through a lot of letters from parents who are waiting for advice from psychologists: what to do if mom or dad can’t play with their own child, do not see the point and are burdened by it?
– Indeed, even in the very phrase “I don’t know how, I’m interested in my child” sounds some kind of hopelessness and recognition of their failure-parental, in the first place. And of course, for each individual parent, this is a tragedy, because we waited, we wanted, we raised the child until a certain period.
We have grown up – and now all our work is for nothing, because nothing is interesting. And this can happen at absolutely any age – starting from the infancy period, when parents do not understand why to sing songs, they do not understand anything yet, but they will understand, then we will talk to them.
Or in adolescence, when growing children form different points of view, and they work out different scenarios of life, and at this point they need a companion on the road, and not a hard adviser-a parent.
Or at an age when the child Matures socially and says “I will do everything myself”, and the parents are still trying to help him. In other words, the parent may encounter a problem at these different stages. And what is not interesting with a child is, of course,a very serious issue.
– Let’s start to analyze each stage gradually, from the very infancy. In infancy, mothers do not have such questions, usually they arise from dads: “What should I do with a baby who does not understand anything? That’s when he starts talking and walking, then I’ll take him fishing with me,” – let’s say.
– Let’s start from the beginning – from the moment when mom and dad, having conceived a baby, give birth to it safely. And at this moment, not just a baby is born – at this moment, a woman is born as a mother, and a man is born as a father. And of course, this new social role may raise this question.
While the baby is small, biologically it so happened that a woman should take care of this baby more, and she is more hormonal for this. And dads, in fact, during this period are not very important, not very necessary – I now understand that this will cause a storm of indignation among our mothers: “How is it? I want to sleep, I want to rest!»
This is understandable. Yes, there are such dads, such wonderful men who take the baby in their arms and do not let it go further, completely deal with it from the moment of birth.
But in General, if we again biologically approach the issue of the relationship between a man and his children, we understand that a man becomes interested in a child at the moment when he can pass on his experience to him, when he can be a mentor for him.
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That is, this is the age closer to ten years, when he can invest his profession to his son or daughter, so that the name “carpenters”, as it used to be, or “shoemakers” goes on with its history. Therefore, a low bow to men who can really be with the kids. But if the father can’t be with the child for a long time, do not make a tragedy out of it – everything is fine, there is nothing terrible.
– How do I learn to play with my child, especially when he is really very small? Many mothers literally don’t know what to do. Besides care, they do not know what else to give the baby.
– Now there is a lot of information, films, manuals about what the baby needs and how to develop it, how to communicate with it, talk to it. And these wonderful moms, having read something there, try to convey a folk song to the child. And they themselves suffer, learn this song, try to sing, forget the words…
And this song does not bring joy to either the baby or the mother. Moms, sing the song you love. We have experience of Mature mothers who rocked their babies-do you know what they sang? “Hostile whirlwinds are blowing over us”!.. Mother is well, child is well, babies are sleeping and everyone is happy.
Why do I have to set some strict rules for myself? You will find something that will be interesting and pleasant to you, and you will carry your interest to the child, and not go from the opposite, from the academic. Of course, “do no harm” is the main principle.
– What should I do when a child starts playing role-playing games, playing with toys? Here the mother – especially if the child is not alone in the family, or he has a brother or sister younger-has a hard time. And the baby happens to be and play alone. Partly well-develops creative thinking, imagination. But is it useful?
The kid wants to involve his mother and father as the closest people. But the mother often can’t get involved in this child’s role-playing game with soft toys, with dolls. Some people do it organically, and some find it difficult to get down to this stage of childhood, although it would be useful for everyone.
– Yes, I agree with you: it is useful for everyone, but not everyone can do it, of course. Especially if the mother held a leadership position – it is difficult for her to descend to the level of a child. But again, the birth of a child turns the worldview of a woman, many are interested in education, pedagogy.
At the moment when the baby grows up and enters a period of social games and productive interaction, let’s go from parental interest. If a mother has always wanted to play the violin, but she was told that a bear stepped on her ear – do not make a child a violinist, we will not include compensation in this issue.
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But this is a good reason to play – draw a violin in all its elements on a cardboard, study it in parts, and play with your child. Against the background of a violin, how many games can you think of, imagine a violin maker who made this violin, and a gardener who grew a tree to make a violin.
And the master who made the strings. And different composers-and tell the child their difficult stories and play. “Come on, you’ll be a Stradivarius, and I’ll be a Paganini!»
Children are happy to participate in all games – even if they are three years old, they will run around the house joyfully shouting ” I am Paganini! I Am Paganini!”Implement this game, play something that you did not finish playing yourself as a child.
I want to warn you about one mistake. During this period, as a rule, parents, relatives, friends begin to give the family an incredible number of toys.
Then moms and dads say, ” What, you’re not interested? Why are you bothering me? Go and play, you have a tractor, a car, a kitchen, a vacuum cleaner…»
And after all, the best toy at this age for a child, you know what? Stick. Stick! A common story – a mother takes a bag of toys for a walk, and the child plays with a stick, a stone, because he can imagine anything in this game.
So there comes a creative moment in the game – when the child plays with the substitute object and comes up with a new use for it. They say, well, why does he play with this stick? And he has it-a screwdriver, a spoon, a light bulb, and a magic wand. Be happy – at this moment the child develops intellectually! Just wonderful. Therefore, there should be a sufficient number of toys, but not much.
First of all, it removes the chaos: every mother is fighting in the house for order, for cleanliness, and we just do that we throw out these toys, then arrange them, then throw them out again… We do not play with them.
In short, buy children not the toys that are supposed to be, but those that you like yourself, that you are happy with. And then it will be easier for both you and the child to arrange interaction against the background of the game and game manipulations.
– Many mothers want the game to be useful, and they can’t just give in to the flow of the game and get joy from the process. I definitely want to present meaning and edification. Is this correct?
– There are mothers who carry the idea that the benefits should be from everything, that every step of the child should develop its potential and improve it infinitely.
These moms and dads make parents who shove the child into all the circles, some incredible games are presented, and he does not want to play all this… So let’s decide what is at the top of the corner: the child himself or your goal to make it some kind of?
If we put the child at the forefront, look into his eyes and ask: “my dear Bunny, do you like it, are you interested in it?”,- then we will not necessarily hear “Yes”. And then the question of expediency arises: is it really necessary, will what I make the child do with such effort bring benefit and joy in his later life, or will it be wasted hours in suffering over development?
In fact, almost from birth, children begin to be offered a lot of extra things-to teach them to read, count, and distinguish colors.
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For what? Do you want to prove to yourself and others that you are good, you are a great mom, you gave everything to your child, or do you really want to develop your child? Then stop, look at any manual that describes the age characteristics of your child, and live according to them.